Coping at bereavement at a young age

When I was younger, I had a large amount of bereavement at quite a young age. Each year from when I was aged 11-14, I had a family member pass away (one a year for four years). This really has affected me greatly in the years following and I would love to help others with this process. In this blog, I hope to outline what it was like going through the blog, and how I would recommend for parents to help their children if going through a similar situation.

What it is like losing people so young

It’s hard- it’s hard at any age and that’s just one of those things that you can’t really escape. There are so many emotions surrounding you and your family that you sort of enter this little bubble. It’s like there are no other problems anywhere else in the world and your life has just all come crashing down. I sort of just went numb when my brother passed- I just struggled feeling emotion whilst at the same time I’ve never felt more emotion (weird I know). It is a feeling that is just so hard to explain.

Bereavement is also very very confusing. At such a young age, you are aware of death but you definitely have not fully processed the concept in your mind. There are so many different questions that will forever go unanswered. You have this fear surrounding you that a similar thing may happen to you. My brother passed away when he was just 14- this created a strange fear inside me that nobody else around me seemed to get. I was afraid of dying at just 12. Every time I had a stomach ache I would fear I would end up in hospital. There was a fear following me every moment of the day and yet somehow I just internalized that fear and just carried on with life. I carried on a at school- taking two days off in total. There was a part of me that just carried on. I did not seek any help at the time and just kept on with life. However, the event still has a large impact on me today. There are days when I will miss my brother so much. My mental illness is pretty much caused by my bereavement. I hope to get to a point where I still remember and miss my family members, but I can also live my own life without the fear and pain from the event affecting it.

My advice for parents and their children

Obviously my advice could never be completely accurate. Everybody’s situation is different and everybody experiences pain and loss differently. There is no guarantee that my experience is anything like somebody else’s, this is just how I would recommend to help your child in this hard situation.

1. Answer their questions. I would try to be as honest as possible about the situation without making it too harsh. Avoiding questions is just going to build up assumptions in the child’s mind. I think explaining and being open about the situation will help the child to be open about their emotions and not hold them in. You are probably the people your child trusts most, so they will be comfortable in talking to you and expressing their emotions.
2. Encourage your child to talk to somebody. As a parent, you are likely to be going through a lot of emotions too. This may make it hard for you to talk fully to your child or too sometimes give advice that is more rational than in the heat of the moment. I would encourage your child to go and speak to a professional about what has happened. They may not want to but I think its important for them to get advice on coping mechanisms at the time. I had the opportunity to get help at the time but decided not to take it, and yeah, I regret it. They may decide after a couple of sessions, they no longer want to carry on with the counselling but I personally do not see any harm in trying.
3. Keep your child busy. I know how hard it is to go out and about when an event like this happens. Sometimes you even feel guilty for feeling happy like it is something that you shouldn’t do. But I have found that keeping busy is one of the best mechanisms for coping with my pain. If I am not busy, I will just sit there and dwell on my thoughts making them worse and worse. You should not at all feel guilty for living your life to the full- it is what your loved one would have wanted. You can not stop yourself from living your life- instead try and use the event as motivation to live your life to the fullest.
4. Try to contain your emotions. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel upset- these emotions are very good to get out. When you lose a loved one, you will experience a lot of anger. I think it is important to not portray this anger onto the people around you. This can increase their stress and make the whole situation harder for everyone. Sometimes this is very hard as you do not even realize how angry you are being, but try and make a conscious effort to not portray any negative emotions onto other people. I was super super lucky that my parents are so supportive and loving- I would hate for anyone to have to go through a similar situation without this love and support.

This time is going to be so hard but you will make it through. Stay strong for yourself, your family and for your lost loved one- they would not want to see you upset and grieving, they would want to see you flourish and thrive.

Thanks for reading!!
Zoe x