So if you meet me in person, I am a pretty confident person. I will talk to pretty much anyone and really do enjoy having conversations with different people from different backgrounds. And if you’re my mate then you will probably think I’m crazy and talk way too much! However, even though I am confident in terms of speaking to others, I really struggle with a lack of self confidence and feeling like I am good enough.
This has been an issue all through my life, although it has definitely become more prominent as I have got older. I remember crying over maths homework when I was little and kept saying to my parents “I can’t do it”. In year 6 (about 10 years old) I had a period where I was struggling to sleep because I was moved down reading group- this stopped after the first test when I got top in the class and was moved straight up to the top group. I just never felt like I was good enough to achieve the things that I wanted to. My brother bless him was an absolute genius. He was so clever and everything I aspired to be. It got frustrating when I couldn’t get as high grades as him, even though barely anyone on Earth would be able to get as good as he did!
As I continued through school, this got worse. I struggled a lot with the pressure of exams and never thought I could achieve high grades. If you asked me what grades I thought I would get, I would’ve told you I probably failed everything. For A-levels, I honestly predicted I would get DEU in my subjects… fair to say I got a bit of a shock when I got ABB. No matter how good I got in past papers, how many hours I spent studying, I never thought that I would be able to get the high grades that I wanted to achieve. I was always in high sets but never top in the set. People would constantly say I was clever but I never could bring myself to agree. I could get top in the year and still not believe I was good enough.
Now this has continued into my job search. Getting turned down for lots of jobs makes it very hard to fight against that voice in my mind. I still often believe that I am not good enough. I feel like I am not doing enough in terms of my volunteering and feel really bad as a result of this. I want to do more. I want to be better. I feel like I’m failing at a thing where there is no measure of success.
And it’s hard to talk about! People see me and they think there’s a confident person. But inside it’s such a different story. We spoke about this a bit at therapy last week and it was hard to talk about. It definitely doesn’t help that I am also a bit of a perfectionist. I always wanted the top grades at school and college. I want to be good at things. Failure I know is essential but also scares me and can greatly hurt me when it actually happens. It was always so hard when you wanted an A* but thought that you were only good enough for a C at the most. Sometimes people thought I was just being humble but it was just my belief! I believed I wasn’t good enough and that was it.
I think this also ties in a lot to my mental illness. I once read a book about emetophobia which I have struggled with for a number of years. In the book, it stated that a lot of emetophobia was about a lack of confidence. You do not have the confidence that you can get through sickness if and when it happens. You do not feel like you have the strength and control around situations, and that can lead to suffering from a fear of being sick, as it is a situation where you often lack a lot of control. I think it also ties into my other mental illnesses a lot. Mental illness can make you feel so helpless and like such a failure at times. You feel like you’ve failed yourself and everybody around you. There are so many posts that say to “love yourself” but it is the last thing that you feel like you can do.
So how do you work past a lack of self-confidence? How do you fight that voice saying that you are not good enough?
I think one of the most important things is making sure you focus on facts and not thoughts. I feel like I am thick but the grades I achieved at school and college really do tell a different story. I feel like I am not doing enough but then if I look at how much I’ve moved on from even a year ago, I am doing plenty. Sometimes writing down the positives you’ve achieved and really trying to own the achievements can be really helpful. Write down 10 amazing things about yourself- 10 things that you are proud of. DO NOT write “but” after any of these points. There is no but! This list should be only positive things. It may take a long time to write this list but that’s okay. Once it is there, it is there for you to reread at times when you are struggling, to remind you of the true person that is inside.
If you struggle to focus your thoughts when writing stuff down, I really recommend the Michelle Obama Becoming journal. This journal was created after the success of her autobiography which is also amazing and I really recommend reading it. The way that the journal is worded almost forces you to write your responses in a positive light. It makes you see how your bad experiences can be good. It is a really good guided journal and is a lot easier to stay motivated to do than writing a journal without any prompts or guidance. Especially when it is so easy to slip into those negative thought patterns.
It is also really important to surround yourself with people who see you for the amazing person that you are. If people make you feel bad about yourself- they are not your friends and their opinion is not important enough for you to take notice of. Negative people can be so toxic for you and although it is really hard to cut people like that out of your life, it can be so liberating.
In regards to social media, do not compare yourself to the people on there. Social media will only ever show the side of people’s lives that they want you to see. It is NOT the whole story! If accounts make you feel bad about yourself- unfollow them. Those few posts missed really will not make any negative impact on your life- only positive. And if you don’t want to fully unfollow an account then mute them! It is not worth damaging your confidence to keep up to date with what is going on in someone else’s life. And you can always take a break from social media. It’s very hard in today’s day and age, but fully immerse yourself in things you enjoy, or meet up with people that make you feel good- you probably won’t even realize that you miss social media!
The final thing that I like to do may seem a little bit strange. There are certain songs that just make me feel good. They make me feel that little bit more confident and almost hype me up when I need it. Little things like music can really make a big difference when you are feeling low. Songs I enjoy when I’m being tough on myself include:
- This is me- Keala Settle or the Shoshana Bean cover (from the greatest showman)
- You will be found- Ben Platt (from Dear Evan Hansen)
- Life is a highway- Rascal Flatts (from Cars)
- Backwards- Matthias
- Once and for all- Newsies
You are incredible, even if you don’t believe it. Do not let that voice in your head take over. Embrace yourself for all your scars, bruises and imperfections.
Zoe x
my life with mental illness 
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