Learning how to say “NO”

So growing up I guess I would have been considered a “yesman”. You asked me to do/ help with something, I would say yes and not even give it a second thought. This was okay when I was younger but as I grew up I realised what a toxic trait that this could be. But it was also a trait that was very hard to break (and still is for that fact)- in this blog I’m going to talk more about my experiences of this, and how I am learning to break the habit of always saying yes.

There is a very popular test out there called the Enneagram test. This test shows the characteristics of your personality, but can also really help you to understand how your personality could prove to be so positive if you utilise it correctly. I am a type 2 Enneagram which is otherwise known as “the helper”. I am very focused on helping and caring for other people which sounds all well and good but can cause a lot of problems. I struggle a lot with worrying how my actions will affect other people. Even if a situation is not my fault, I worry how I react may hurt other people. One of my least favourite things in the world is letting other people down. It adds so much anxiety for me and just makes me feel so bad about myself and my actions. Even though being called “the helper”, or to my mates “the mum friend”, sounds really good, it can cause many problems.
If you haven’t taken the Enneagram test, I highly recommend it as a way to see how the traits of your personality are amazing and can help you in the long run.

At school, I struggled saying no. I really wanted to please my teachers and this sometimes lead to me taking on a lot and being incredibly busy in my out of school hours. This didn’t really affect me too much but could sometimes lead to a lot of stress if I felt like I was disappointing somebody for not being able to carry out a commitment. This was shown a lot when I did not attend a voluntary event as I wanted to do maths revision as I had an exam a few days later. My house leader went pretty mental at me, I got out of the running to be a senior prefect and cried my eyes out… and I had an exam the next day. Now, my house leader was a bitch for sure but I still felt like I had let people down. I wanted to be a senior prefect to show that I had changed from some previous bad patches with teachers but that clearly just wasn’t going to happen. I felt that I had somehow let people like my tutor down. He was super supportive my whole way through school but I felt like another girl in my tutor was doing very well in the eyes of the teachers at school and I was just a let down. Even if I did 8 extra curricular activities a week, I would never feel like I was doing enough. This feeling that I am not doing enough is still prevalent to this day.

Recently, I found myself in a predicament which was really what inspired me to write this blog. I attended a job interview and managed to get a trial date- what I’ve wanted for months and months now. But there was a problem. The job was not right for me. I am not looking for that permanent a role and would definitely prefer something talking and interacting to people, not just in the back making products all day. I was getting STRESSED. I cried more in 24 hours than I had in a few weeks combined. I was making myself ill again and it was just not a step that I could take. For years I put my mental health on the sideline to focus on a career but for once I recognize that I need to take care of myself. My happiness and well-being is a far greater priority than any job will ever be. My problem is, I absolutely hate letting people down. I was petrified of what my parents would think, my mates, my therapist and even the people working at a company that I wasn’t even employed at yet. It took so much to phone them and say no. I knew it was for the best but actually taking that step was such an awful feeling. I felt I that I was letting everybody around me down and giving up what I’ve worked for for months now.
However, I am so glad I made that decision. I am very fortunate that I am in a place financially that a job is not essential. If I hadn’t said no, I have no idea how far it may have pushed me back mentally. It could have been so detrimental to my journey of recovery.
I also realized how this is such a big step in my recovery. For once, I was giving myself the respect to say no, instead of forcing myself through and sacrificing my mental health in the process. It felt almost liberating that I do have control over my life- something that I definitely did not have during my time in education. I can wait for something that suits me better to come along, and use that as another step in MY recovery- for me and not for anyone else.

Thinking about myself is always such a challenge, but one I am embracing more and more. Yes, I will always care about other people. I will always be the mum friend, and will always want to help in whatever way I can. But now I am finally starting to help myself, and such a big part of that is learning how to say “no”. I am not just saying “no” to other people, but to myself. I am saying “no” to jeapodizing my mental health and yes to a better future, which will enable me to help other people in a positive and safe manor.

Thank you so much for reading!
Zoe x