If you have lived in this world the past month or so, you will know that it is a pretty crazy place to be. Living in the U.K. we have been in “lockdown” for almost four weeks at this point and it has definitely been a situation I never really thought would happen. In this blog I mainly would like to talk about how the lockdown and Covid-19 has affected me in general, and my thoughts going forward to the future after lockdown.
Fear of illness
If you have read some of my previous blogs, you may know that I suffer from a condition called emetophobia. This basically means I am really afraid of throwing up. This means in the past I have followed rigorous hygiene standards and even avoided leaving the house due to a fear of getting ill. So with that you would think I would be very afraid of the virus right? Well not exactly.
I have been scared of catching the virus but I wouldn’t say any more than most people of my age group. With statistics shockingly high in comparison to the population here in the U.K. ,it definitely is a huge concern that either myself or one of my family members will get seriously ill from the virus.
However, I may have actually had it. I had a lot of the symptoms but thankfully they were mild when I had them. I have no way of telling if I had the virus or not- our country is very limited on the amount of testing it has available and mild symptoms almost definitely won’t get tested. This is when I was actually quite scared. For me, I hate hospitals with a passion. The thought of being hospitalised and not have my family there with me is extremely scary. Although my symptoms remained mild, there was always the fear that it would get worse. Always the fear that I could be yet another statistic. And then there was also the fear that one of my family would get it. I am so close to my parents, I can’t even imagine what I would do if anything happened to either of them.
But the thing is, this fear is always there in some form- virus or not. Yes it is definitely amplified at the moment, but I always am afraid of something happening health wise to me or my family. Death was such a prevalent thing for me growing up, that I have almost become accustomed to being worried that it will happen. What I’m not used to is having everyone else worry about it at the same time as me. So yes, the virus does scare me greatly, but so does illness in general and as sickness isn’t one of the symptoms, it doesn’t really seem too daunting to me actually having it, as long as the symptoms stay mild. This is obviously helped by being in one of the lowest risk groups; however, the virus definitely does not discriminate who it effects.
I am of course completely complying to government guidelines, and following proper hygiene standards to minimise the risk of myself or anyone else catching this virus.
Not being able to go out
Now this bit has been a little harder. I rely a lot on going out as a form of distraction in my life. There have been times when my mental illness has been so bad that I haven’t been able to go out for weeks, and it took a long time to get to the point I am at, being able to go out fairly last minute and not feeling completely lightheaded the whole time. Staying in, in some respects is sort of taking me back to that time. It’s reminding me how deep the depression and anxiety had hit, and almost scaring me that I could one day relapse back to that state.
However, I am making sure I go out following guidelines. I am going on dog walks, have been going shopping for essentials. It’s not a lot but it really does make a lot of difference. Even talking to people takes me away from my own brain for even a few seconds. It reminds me that I am so much stronger than I used to be.
That being said, I am starting to struggle with being in lockdown a bit. I really do miss my friends. These are the people who have supported me through absolute hell, and I miss talking to the people who make me laugh and smile. I miss being able to go for coffee, to the shops as and when I want. I know I am so lucky to be around a really supportive family at this time but I sure will be happy to see my friends again when all this is over (and spend way too much money on iced caramel lattes).
Not being able to work
So just before the lockdown, I managed to get a job. This was a huge achievement for me, as I had been trying for so so long to get a job. I even made it to my first training day without a breakdown which is actually huge. My brain can be so overriding that I wasn’t expecting to make it a whole day without feeling like it was too much- but I did it!!
Time for celebration right? Yeah not really. The job I got is at a museum-type establishment with tea rooms, gift shops etc, where I’m a front of house assistant. Lockdown means no places like this are open (for obvious reasons!). So I made it one whole day before being told they don’t know when I will be able to work there again… shit!!
Now don’t get me wrong, I am super lucky to be in a position financially where I do not need the work to survive at the moment. I know that so many people are struggling to make ends meet and have been laid off permanently, so I am extremely fortunate in that regard.
But with everything, it is the mental side that’s taking the hit with me. It took so much to get to the point where I could work mentally. It took being turned down so many times, a lot of tears, therapy and support from those around me. I had finally got to a point where I felt I had a chance of making it at a job. I’m worried that when this is all over, I won’t be at that point. Situations like this are extremely triggering for people with mental illness (I will go a bit more into this below). I would be absolutely devastated if a situation that is out of my control, was the reason that I lost my first ever job. If the mental strain of the virus was the reason I once again like I was failing society.
My family
Now family means the absolute world to me. My parents have been so amazing through all of life’s ups and downs and I couldn’t ask for them to be more supportive.
Another family member who means the world is my nan who is currently in a nursing home after becoming quite ill following a near fatal car accident last year, and who is in early stages of dementia. Obviously I can’t see my nan and this is a really hard concept. Nan doesn’t have long left but she still means so much to me. She has been there for me my whole life and has been such an amazing role model. When I want her to go, I want her to just be happy that’s all. I worry so much that she’s not happy at the moment as she hasn’t seen any family in probably the longest time ever in her life. This is one of the harsh realities of the virus. I am staying away to protect her and everyone else but more than anything just want to give her a hug. As long as the virus doesn’t reach the care home, she should be fine and I just have to hold onto that hope, as hard as it is.
It also makes me feel so deeply for the people who have lost loved ones in this time. I have experienced loss a lot of times for my age but the one thing that helped me through every time was other people. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to go through that in a time like this.
The media
Social media for me has been a huge benefit over the years. In times when I couldn’t go out, it was my one outlet to the outside world and the way I could communicate with my friends during the hard times. I am still finding social media extremely useful in this time in a way to pass the time during the days.
However, media like the news I am finding toxic at the moment. The constant barrage of statistics to scare us into lockdown does nothing for my mental health at all. I understand it is a huge thing going on right now and that a lot of people are seriously ill due to it. However, as someone who is following all of the government guidelines, stories about how many people are dying just stresses me out about my friends and family.
But that’s okay. It is okay to turn the news off. To occupy yourself with something other than media. The important updates of the virus you will likely find out other ways than constantly watching the updates of the virus. Changing that channel can do so much for your mental health and can stop an avalanche of thoughts that may follow, depending on what stories are featured on the news that day.
If you are surrounded by people who want to put the news on, don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the situation and occupy your mind with a completely different activity. Your mental health in times like this is so much more important than watching a little bit of news that you don’t necessarily need to know.
Fears of the future
I have experienced fear of what will happen in the future for a long time with a lot of uncertainty in the past year and a bit. I get so worried about what I will do for work but also how I will live my life to the fullest.
This has been amplified greatly. It will take a long time for the world to get back to normal and I worry about wasting time in my life- I feel like I’ve already lost so much time to my illness, I don’t want to lose anymore to anything if I can help it. I am working on a project to try and make this time as worthwhile as possible but I still wonder about the state of the world after all this is over.
How much will have changed? Will things ever go fully back to ‘normal’ again? But I have to remember that change is natural and can be so good. Maybe this will bring a world that is more appreciative for what we have. It may be hard but I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. What that reason is I really don’t know yet but I know we will all make it through this time.
This virus is so powerful but we are stronger. If we all follow guidelines and work together, we can do this!!
Thank you for reading this brain dump 🙈
Zoe x
my life with mental illness 
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